now i know that since i have made this site all i have posted are things about my ex that i so badly want back and poems.... but now i am going to write a lil post/blog of what is n my mind because i have all these un answered questions that i really with that i could find some answers to. not only to answer the questions but also to give me some closure.
well here we go...
to marrow will be my mothers birthday. the same mother that had passed away when i was 5 yrs of age. i know that i am going to have a very off day tommarrow considering so that is why i am writing this today instead of tommarrow because it would not make any sense at all if i were to write it tomarrow.
ok so i moved down here from welland ontario in 2007 and have been here almost a year. i moved down here with my ex who was my boy friend at the time and his dad and step mom. my ex and i had gotten into a verbal disagree ment and he had confined me into a corner in the bed room where we were having the verbal dispute and he would not let me leave until i had talked to him.
i proceeded to tell him that he was keeping me in personal confinement against my will and that i did not want to talk to him at that time to let me go or else i would hpone the police. he had finally let me go and i had ran out of the room bawling my eyes out. i ran down the stairs and out the front door.... hi had come down the stairs after me stopping at his parents because they had stopped him and asked him what the hell was going on. he proceeded to tell them that we had got into an argument and that i was mad at him and would not talk to him.
they had asked him why i had ran out the front door crying and he claimed that he did not know. once i had cooled down i had returned home and went to go up to the bedroom. when i entered the room he had asked me if i had wanted to talk now and i had told him no.
i went back down stairs and sat down in the living room. his parents had come in from outside when they were letting the dog out. they had sat down in the living room with me asking me what was wrong. so of course them being his parents i thought that they could do something or say something to him to make him realize that he can not do what he did. so i had told them that he had confined me in a corner in the bed room and would not let me go until i had talked to him.
they were flabergasted and didn't know what to say.
after that i had moved next door to a friends house and started living there. at that time me and my ex were no longer together... so there was this technician at my work that i had really liked and he had really liked me but my ex was too overly protective of me for the guy to even talk to me with out my ex standing in the way.
i had started dating this tech and we had been dating for about three weeks and i did something really stupid and lost him and that is all that i am going to say on that matter.... however after we broke up he did not want to talk to me hug me or even as little as be close to me.... i had written him multipal texts telling him that i was sorry and he didn't want to listen or for me to text him nor call him anylonger so i said alright.
these past few months i have been writing him letters and sticking them into his car door at work while he is out on the road... i mostly stick them into his car door on a thurs day or friday when no one is watching.... recently i had wrote him a letter telling him how i felt about him and me and the situation that were are in...
of course no reply back from the letter like always... but my roomate that i live with currently, her boyfriend is the roomate of him and he had come in on friday and had asked me if i was still planning to move to saskatoon.... when i said no he had said good under his breath when i had asked him what he had said he cleared his throught and said that he said nothing.... i say there looking at him for a few minutes and then said okay... before him and his girlfriend my roomate left to go out of town to his house he had told me that he wasn;t spossed to tell me this but i still have a chance to get back with my ex the technichian... and i said and your not supposed to tell me this and he said no... i then replied with well then i didn't hear what you just said then. he said ok good and then they left..... now it got me thinking because i went to work this morning and my ex the tech was there and every time he looked at me i would look at him and usually he would put his head down and turn the other way but this time he stared me straight in the eyes but would not say anything to me...
now i just want to know what you guys that read my posts would think about this situation cuz i just don't know what to do at this point.
now i know that since i have made this site all i have posted are things about my ex that i so badly want back and poems.... but now i am going to write a lil post/blog of what is n my mind because i have all these un answered questions that i really with that i could find some answers to. not only to answer the questions but also to give me some closure.
well here we go...
to marrow will be my mothers birthday. the same mother that had passed away when i was 5 yrs of age. i know that i am going to have a very off day tommarrow considering so that is why i am writing this today instead of tommarrow because it would not make any sense at all if i were to write it tomarrow.
ok so i moved down here from welland ontario in 2007 and have been here almost a year. i moved down here with my ex who was my boy friend at the time and his dad and step mom. my ex and i had gotten into a verbal disagree ment and he had confined me into a corner in the bed room where we were having the verbal dispute and he would not let me leave until i had talked to him.
i proceeded to tell him that he was keeping me in personal confinement against my will and that i did not want to talk to him at that time to let me go or else i would hpone the police. he had finally let me go and i had ran out of the room bawling my eyes out. i ran down the stairs and out the front door.... hi had come down the stairs after me stopping at his parents because they had stopped him and asked him what the hell was going on. he proceeded to tell them that we had got into an argument and that i was mad at him and would not talk to him.
they had asked him why i had ran out the front door crying and he claimed that he did not know. once i had cooled down i had returned home and went to go up to the bedroom. when i entered the room he had asked me if i had wanted to talk now and i had told him no.
i went back down stairs and sat down in the living room. his parents had come in from outside when they were letting the dog out. they had sat down in the living room with me asking me what was wrong. so of course them being his parents i thought that they could do something or say something to him to make him realize that he can not do what he did. so i had told them that he had confined me in a corner in the bed room and would not let me go until i had talked to him.
they were flabergasted and didn't know what to say.
after that i had moved next door to a friends house and started living there. at that time me and my ex were no longer together... so there was this technician at my work that i had really liked and he had really liked me but my ex was too overly protective of me for the guy to even talk to me with out my ex standing in the way.
i had started dating this tech and we had been dating for about three weeks and i did something really stupid and lost him and that is all that i am going to say on that matter.... however after we broke up he did not want to talk to me hug me or even as little as be close to me.... i had written him multipal texts telling him that i was sorry and he didn't want to listen or for me to text him nor call him anylonger so i said alright.
these past few months i have been writing him letters and sticking them into his car door at work while he is out on the road... i mostly stick them into his car door on a thurs day or friday when no one is watching.... recently i had wrote him a letter telling him how i felt about him and me and the situation that were are in...
of course no reply back from the letter like always... but my roomate that i live with currently, her boyfriend is the roomate of him and he had come in on friday and had asked me if i was still planning to move to saskatoon.... when i said no he had said good under his breath when i had asked him what he had said he cleared his throught and said that he said nothing.... i say there looking at him for a few minutes and then said okay... before him and his girlfriend my roomate left to go out of town to his house he had told me that he wasn;t spossed to tell me this but i still have a chance to get back with my ex the technichian... and i said and your not supposed to tell me this and he said no... i then replied with well then i didn't hear what you just said then. he said ok good and then they left..... now it got me thinking because i went to work this morning and my ex the tech was there and every time he looked at me i would look at him and usually he would put his head down and turn the other way but this time he stared me straight in the eyes but would not say anything to me...
now i just want to know what you guys that read my posts would think about this situation cuz i just don't know what to do at this point.
For All The Time I Cry,
I Think About You Watching Me
And I Look Up At The Sky.
Its Really Been A Struggle
Hurts More Then I Thought It Could,
And If I Could Take Your Place In Heaven
I Hope You Know I Would.
I Know Your Not In Pain No More
Sitting High Up On Your Cloud,
Im Going To Do All I Can Do
To Make You Very Proud.
And Ill Never Stop My Grieving
So I Wont Even Try To Pretend,
But For Now This Is Goodbye
To My mom, Hero And Friend.
People make fun of me, not for my personality but because of the type of person i am.
I never get things right.
Sometimes i want to die and let go of everything.
The truth is that i gave up on my life and everything around me.
I cause everything so there is no point of me living in this world which for me is black, and dark.
The only person i see is HIM
He may cheer me up and that would be one of the few reasons im still here.
My dream will naver come true, as much as I wich it could.
I don't know where to turn
I don't know what to do
We've just let our love burn
Each night so hard
An Endless flow of tears
I never thought i would lose you,
For it was my biggest fear
Now I'm stuck with this forced smile
Wanting to run & Cry
I just need to be in your arms
Safe from all the lies
I gave you my all...
I gave you my Heart
You promised Forever
We would never fall apart
Months dragged by & by
The love turning to hate
I knew it was coming
But I knew fixing it was too late
I didn't want to get hurt
So I simply walked away
I had to do it
Now matter how much we pretended, It wasn't okay
I just lost myself
I got to close to you
& Now that your gone
Everything has died...Everything has lost its hue
The pain is cuts way to deep
The tears over flow my face
My mind stuck on you..I cant get to sleep
I just wish that I could turn back time
Just to make it last longer
To say I Love You more
Us growing stronger
But now Ive torn what meant the most to me
I made my fear come true
Ive spent every day crying
...Travis I love you
I don't know where to start
I don't know where to turn
I don't know what to do
We've just let our love burn
millions of dreams,
all of them shattered,
my heart has been battered.
I can not forget you,
no matter how hard I try,
all the tears in world,
wash them all down the drain.
they wouldn't ease any of the pain.
I never used to cry,
not one single tear,
I leard that it did nothing,
to help escape my fears,
but now you said that we can't be together,
I watched you walk away,
you took part of me with you,
on that terrible day.
A chunk of my heart,
now tucked away in your pocket.
please give it back,
I can't live without it.
I told myself to forget you,
But no matter how hard I try,
I can't erase our memories,
all of our hugs,
that one quick kiss.
the blush on you face,
the warmth of your smile.
I don't want to forget,
I terrified to try,
It would be better if we never met,
because then I wouldn't have to forget...
but I can't fall to sleep
Because I know
tonight, like every other, you'll be in my dream.
Hungry,
my stomach's in pain
but I can't bring myself to eat
I wish not to gain.
Sad,
but no tears flow from my eyes.
This wall and facade,
are my security and disguise.
Heart broken,
because of you.
Heart is in pieces.
Held with nothing but glue.
Confused,
This realization I've come to,
I can't do this alone...
I LOVE you, I N E E D you.
everything just seems so gray
when you left me i just died
and my mind just set astray
nothing had a point
nothing had a reason
nothing made sense
nothing worked.
I'm sorry i lied.
I'm sorry i hurt you
I'm sorry i didn't do the right thing
I'm sorry, sorry for everything
you let me feel such deep a love
you fitted me like a glove
i needed you then and now.
I'm so sorry that i was a cow.
i don't know what else to say.
just so u know i think of you every day
every second. every chance.
i would cheer of u gave me another glance
without you.... I'm incomplete
And together we were too good to be true.
You left me here to weep and cry.
I've done it every day since you died.
I'm learning to live without you now.
But it's really hard and I don't quite know how.
You were my one true love, my perfect soul mate.
By chance we met, I believed it was fate.
I loved you with all of my heart and mind.
No greater love would you ever find.
But your gone and I'm alone and scared.
Do you remember when you said you'd always be there?
I still miss you each and every day
And I still miss you in every single way
You said you'd love me til the end of time
But I guess for you it was the end of the line
I can't seem to be happy without you
I don't like to do the things I used to.
Everywhere I go I see your face.
And I can't seem to keep up with life's fast pace.
Sometimes you visit me in my sleep
One more night with you is another memory to keep.
And when I reach out to you, you disappear
Then I wake up and realize you never were there.
Now your face is but a memory, your laugh is just an echo
I barely remember your voice and my spirits are low
I think I forgot how to laugh and smile
Without you my life is no longer worth my while
still hear your laughter and feel your touch,
I can't believe how much I still miss you
even after all this time.
Closing my eyes and accepting the fact
that I had no choice but to let you go
was the hardest and most painful of days,
waking up only to be told
that you were no longer here,
shattered my heart to pieces.
You were the one always there for me,
always ready to comfort me,
you always guided me down the right paths
and wiped my tears away when I failed.
People say that time heals the wounds
and that the pain slowly goes away
but I don't think they tell the truth,
you only became numb to the pain
and slowly learn to accept their not here.
I find comfort in knowing that your not truly gone
even though it can feel like it,
I know your the guardian angel watching
and keeping me safe at night
but I still wish you were here.
I wish I could share my life with you again,
that you could get to know the one I love,
I really could use your strength and support
and feeling your arms wrap around me.
Time hasn't healed the pain or loneliness
but I know your happy and safe,
your in a far better place now
where you can no longer be in pain,
is it selfish of me to want you here?
You came to my mind this week so strongly
that it almost brought me to my knees,
all the time thats pasted between
all vanished in a matter of seconds,
your still alive in my heart and mind
and I still miss you and love you so much.
What have you done to earn that right
Nothing for me...
You call yourself a dad?
When have you ever been there for me
Never...
You call yourself a dad?
I bet you can't even prove it to me
Your never there
You don't show you care
I'm just a mistake to you
With everything I do
It's never good enough
Your hearts so tough
How can you tell
That I'm doing well
Do you see my pain at all?
u have 2 go
why did u have
2 leave
i love u
so
ur my mom
and im ur daughter
i love u
and i show
it
but what i
wonder is
why did you have 2 go
To share special moments with one another
And always knowing he loves me
Have my daddy protect me
Making sure no harm can happen to me
Just to be there for me
To be the best daddy in the world
For his daughter
To able to walk his daughter down the aisle
On her wedding day
Just to be my daddy
But I'm not worth it to him
How I tried all my life
To have my daddy love me
And not have him turn his back to me
I never got any thing back in return
From my daddy
But a cold shoulder
I always wanted to be my daddy's little girl
But now I know that he doesn't want me
To be his little girl
Because if he did
I would know that I am
Daddy's little girl
From eveything I've done this is what you put me through
Give me your number and I call
You change your number like usual
I can't believe I actually fell for your lies
Because now I hate you so much more inside
I won't tell anyone about this
Because if you end up back there I won't visit
And if I give in and do
I'll be sure to take everything from you
I can't believe how much you can hurt me
Somthing I heard from my mom but now I'm starting to believe
You will find out what it's like to not have a daughter
Because from my eyes you weren't even a father
Someone to run off my boyfriend
Someone to be my best friend
Someone to help me with my home work
Someone who's the biggest dork
I needed you to tuck me in at night when i was young
I needed you to tell me I'm good no matter how bad i sung.
I needed you to teach me right from wrong
I needed you to write me a song.
I wanted you there when i graduated middle school.
I wanted you there when i started high school
I wanted you there for my first date.
I wanted you there when I first traveled out of state.
I want you there when i graduate high school
I want you there when I go to graduate school
I want you there when i get married
I want you there when i have my first baby.
You'll never seen any of this happen.
You'll never be there when it does happen.
You never wanted me in your life
So now i don't want you in my life.
Every girl needs someone to be her hero
Every girl never wants a zero
Every girl wants someone to be her caddy
Every girl needs a DADDY
I don't know what I'd do
a life with out my grandpa
Grandpa I do love you
You make sure I smile
Before I wake and sleep
You make sure I laugh
And laughter I keep
When I cry, you are there
When I am sad, you're there
When I hate life
You say that life is always fair
You taught me alot
And I am happy for that
You've always made me smile
And our little chats
my idol and rolemodel,
someone I can look up to,
and go to for advice.
But I dont consider you my dad,
just my bilogical father,
you werent there for me growing up,
and your not here for me now.
You're supossed give me advice,
and guide me in the right way,
instead you dont listen,
you just hear what you want to.
You're supossed to love me,
and never let me down,
but its too late for that,
you already did.
You've never been my dad,
you never hugged me when i was sad,
you never listened to my cries,
you never noticed my tears.
I feel so alone,
I'm17 years old,
and I never had a dad,
and I never will.
Im tired of your lies,
saying you'll try,
but the thing is,
you never try.
You lied to me,
you lied to mom,
you hurt us,
and killed mom inside.
I thought you had changed,
I thought I was finally going to have a dad,
but thats what I thought,
it isnt what happened.
You're supossed to be my dad,
the person i run to,
the person I trust with my life,
the person I look up to.
But you're not my dad,
you never were,
I never had a dad,
and I never will.
But neither are you
I know I don't do everything right
Or everything I'm told to do
But you were my idol
The one I looked up to
The one I wanted to be just like
When I got old
But you would rather go on dates
And hang out with your friends
Then visit your only daughter
Did it ever cross your mind to care?
ill just push away..
dont try to talk
ive got nothing to say..
dont try to understand me
cause you never will..
my lifes moving forward
while your standing still..
dont say it will be ok
cause i know it wont..
dont say you love me..
cause i know you dont
I don't want to be mad,
I feel like I should love you,
Because you are my dad.
I hate the way I feel,
When I look at you now,
I want an end to my guilt
But my heart just won't allow
Me to forget
The pain you've put me through.
I wish I could overlook this,
And start over anew.
And there is still something,
That is holding me back,
Being able to trust you
Is something I still lack.
Maybe if I told you,
Exactly how I feel,
It would make this better,
Make it seem less real.
I feel like you betrayed me,
Like you stabbed me in the heart,
I feel like you ignored me
And just tore my life apart.
I resent your poor decision
And that you followed it through,
I don't want to hate you
But daddy; I still do.
